"Lost and insecure"

 Well it has been far too long since I've last written. I could look though my earlier entries and find multiple promises of me writing more often. So this time I wont start off by saying I am going to write more and post more often, but hey, be on the lookout! 

When I was thinking of what to title this entry, all I could think was to title it something that I was truly feeling. I have so much going on right now. It is really complex and deep, yet simplistic in ways. But "lost and insecure", from The Fray's "You Found Me", seems to sum it up pretty well. In the last year, I lost myself. I became a different person. This is for a number of reasons. My mental health is a huge factor but I also have to take responsibility for actions I took that certainly didn't do my mental state any favors.

School. Finances. Friendships. Health. Body. Mind. All things out of whack or pressing on me, as they do with everyone I'm sure. But for some reason I let it all spiral out of control. 

I will admit one of the most pressing factors was a friendship that I had put a lot of focus on. At a point there was hope and feelings for something more than friendship, but ultimately thats all it was. I tried to be the very best friend to this person that I could be. I gave my all. I cared for them deeply. They were my best friend. But what happens when one person gives more than the other? What happens when one person cares more than the other? What happens when one person couldn't imagine life without the other, but they find you easily replaceable. 

I'll tell you what happens. You keep trying harder and harder to get the result you want and when you can't, you begin to break down. You ask yourself "Why am I not enough", "What is wrong with me", and things like "Do I not matter". Putting your worth into a relationship of any type is extremely dangerous, but I did this. And then I felt worthless. I felt meaningless. How can you love someone so purely, genuinely, and absolutely unconditionally, and they don't give a damn....

I let this ruin me. I let this bring me down. I am slowly making moves to stand back up, but its rough. 

I know I was a great friend. Honestly, most times, a much better friend to them than they were to me. I know I am a good person. I know I had good intentions. We had our ups and downs, but our friendship remains. It just has new "parameters" or "boundaries" I suppose, most of which are hard for me to adapt to, but its a work in progress. 

But because of all this I let everything else get affected. And so the best thing for me to do, is take a step back and begin to heal and fix things. So I will be leaving to Georgia in 3 weeks. I am going to start working on myself. Start healing. Start new habits. Fix myself. And just take a break. But I will be back in New Mexico in Jan for my last semester!

If you read any of this and resonated with parts of the story. I urge you to accept your reality. Never put your self worth into another person. Never be afraid to ask for help. Don't be ashamed of addressing your mental health. 

I'm going to go find myself now. I'll post again soon!

"Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me"

Don’t like it? ACE IT!

“The need for change bulldozed a road down the center of my mind -Maya Angelou 

Place your hand over you heart. Do you feel that beating? Place two fingers on your wrist. Can you feel your pulse? You are alive. There is only one heartbeat like yours. Everyone has a unique heartbeat that electrically beats different than everyone else.

WHO cited the average life expectancy, globally, in 2016 was 72 years.  That’s honestly not very long. The Bowhead whale can live to 200 years old.  An Icelandic clam was recorded to be 507 years old. Jurupa Oak trees in California are estimated to be 13,000 years old. The President (no, not that guy), the oldest know living giant sequoia in California is 3,200 years old. We, humans, are here but for a fraction of the time as many other living things. 

Okay so did I give you all of the information so you’d get a few more points during trivia at your local pub this week, no (I mean, hey let me know if it does!). I am just trying to put into perspective how little time we really have.  And the reason for that is so we can understand how valuable it is that we spend that little time the wisest. 

If you are unhappy in a relationship. If you don’t like your job. If you want to move to another place. If you aren’t satisfied with your body. If you want things you don’t have or have things you don’t want. If there is something in your life that isn’t the way you want it then you have 3 choices. Adapt to it. Change it. Eliminate it. 

Adapt. Change. Eliminate. 

ACE it! 

You’ve got one chance at this thing called life. Make it count. Don’t settle for less and become complacent. Don’t just simply exist and not live. Don’t just go with the flow of things, not really caring. Be brave. Take risks. Fear making changes, but do it anyways! Don’t let chances pass you by. Step out on a limb. BREAK OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE! DO YOU HEAR ME?!? No growth will occur in your normality! If you’ve read any of my other blogs you’ve probably seen this but here it is again: A ship is safe in the harbor, but that’s not what ships are for. Let that sink in (no pun intended). 

Only we know what we truly desire. Only we can hear our hearts speak to us. And we are the only ones who can stop ourselves from living the life we want. We are our biggest champion and warrior, and yet equally, our biggest enemy. 

I’ve been all over the place with this message so far. It’s all about finding happiness and what we want in life. So take inventory of your life. Make sure you are still working on the things that are going right. But for everything you see as a negative in your life, ACE it! Make every second you have, count. 

"Have some fire. Be unstoppable. Be a force of nature." - Christina Yang

I’ve finished my first semester at Eastern New Mexico University. This journey has been everything I’ve ever hoped for and more. I took some classes that frightened me. I wanted to drop them I was so scared. Upon completing the courses, I realized they were just another challenge. I overcame these challenges and succeeded greatly in them.

If you continue to just do what you know, are you growing as a person?  “A ship in harbor is safe — but that is not what ships are built for.” – John A Shedd. I remind myself of that quote constantly. I am taking more courses and getting involved in more things next semester that are new to me. But I am no longer frightened. I am now eager to learn, grow, and develop the skills I need for the future I envision.

Coming to school as a “non-traditional” student came with many worries and fears. I have conquered each of them. I have made countless friends, dozens of Brothers, and learned so much about myself. I ended the semester with a 4.0. I set this goal on day 1. It took immense discipline, sleepless nights, a few tears and fierce determination to achieve that goal. 

Whatever you do in life, remain resilient. Your dreams are only impervious if you so allow them to be. You are the person in control of your destiny. No matter the adversity you face set out to follow your dreams and let absolutely nothing hold you back.

I am so ready to continue excelling academically, getting involved in the Digital Filmmaking and Theatre Department and advancing in my journey to become a better man with the rest of my Brothers in the Kappa Sigma Fraternity. Eastern has already provided me with so many things to be eternally grateful for. 

On to the Spring 2019 semester!

Road to Success

Often, we are impatient and want instant gratification. This happens in several areas of our lives. In high school sociology, I remember reading about the McDonaldization of society, which speaks to rationalization.  Rationalizing things, in theory, is not a bad idea, except when you essentially become irrational. I was at a stop light and all of this sort of came to me. The purpose of fast food is to offer quick, inexpensive food. The negative side effects though, make it irrational. Usually find yourself waiting in long lines, and end up with food that isn’t exactly healthy. But one of the main reasons we do it, is time. Even if we have to wait five mins in line, it is still less time than it takes to cook a meal (I mean sure, you can make minute rice, but you know what I mean). Basically, I thought about how shortcuts don’t always yield the best result. So where am I going with this?  

We all want something. We want to be someone. We want to go somewhere. We want. And therefore we usually take steps in the direction of getting the things we want. Most of the time we want to take the quickest route. The shortcut. But unfortunately, that just isn’t how it works. The road to success is a long road. And guess what? You’re going to hit potholes and speedbumps, you’ll be held up by traffic jams and construction work, you might even blow a tire, and you’ll definitely take a few detours. There are so many things in life that align with the principle of only getting out what you are willing to put in. If you want to take the quick route, the easiest path, the shortcut, then be prepared for a success that measures with that level of effort. But if you want to be fully satisfied and earnestly successful, then be willing to go through the loops so you can reap the harvest in the end.

The first mile of concrete highway was made in 1909 (in the US). And while paved roads have done wonders and have made travel effortless, just remember, people traveled the rough terrain for hundreds of years before things were made easy. Don’t be afraid to leave the road, make U-turns and take scenic routes.

"If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesnt lead anywhere"

- Frank A. Clark

                             

Not everyone makes it to the Carnival

        Weird title, huh? But when you finish reading this, it will make total sense. Sometimes life just throws us curveball, after curveball. At times, it seems like everything is collapsing, feels like you are struggling just to breathe. Life is full of trials and tribulations. Some of these will be brief, while others have a longer lasting effect. It then becomes our choice on how we overcome it all.

       If you have been following my Facebook or snapchat, then you are aware I’ve made the leap to go back to school. I am sitting here in New Mexico, the night before classes and my work study starts, writing this blog. I sit here excited, scared, happy, sad, hopeful and fearful, all at the same time. The last three days I have participated in numerous new student orientation stuff. Not to my surprise or yours, it is all geared toward Freshman. With that being said, I have felt very out of place at times. I have been having a pity party for myself since Saturday.

“I’m too old for this.” “I don’t fit in with these people.” “Maybe I made the wrong choice.” “I should have already graduated by now; I’m so behind.”  These are the thoughts I have had to fight off. Coupled with the anxiety of adjusting to this new place, I felt terrible inside. I have been happy too. I’ve smiled and laughed. I’ve daydreamed of my future here at ENMU. But sometimes negative thoughts can be too powerful, you know?

I then began to reason with myself. And this reasoning  I think can be applied to any area in life that you have those types of thoughts.

                         1.    There is no sense in comparing myself to others, who have had other circumstances that have led them to where they are. A friend shared a quote with me. “Comparison is the thief of Joy.”- Teddy Roosevelt. And let me tell you, that hit home for me!      

                         2.    I decide where I fit in.“If I fits, I sits.” I can make this experience whatever I want it to be. So I am choosing to fit in. I am going to break out of my comfort zone. I have realized that when you feel uncertain and uncomfortable in some situations, that’s the feeling of you growing as a person. We have a very limited time here on Earth and being complacent with what we know, instead of forcing ourselves to grow and experience new things seems like a waste of that time.  

                        3.    Lastly, it’s never too late. I don’t even need to expand on that anymore. As cliché as it is, it’s so true.

       I had a set of circumstances that ruined what I thought my life was going to be. I was going to a 4-year University straight out of High School. I would have been done with Grad school by now. I had it all figured out. Then life happened. Life. Hit. Hard! I could have given up completely, but then I wouldn’t have made it to the carnival.

If you’ve not seen Love, Simon, you need to do that right now. Also, you may want to stop reading right now. Spoiler alert. The film was done beautifully and has so many messages. I took one very important take away. Not everyone makes it to the carnival. Without spoiling too much, I’ll just say the main character finds himself at odds with all the people closest to him. He is dealing with something so hard and doing it practically alone. At the end of the film, some things turn around, and he makes it to the carnival. He gets his happy ending. But some people don’t. When life gets that rough when you feel all alone, and out of place in the world, you don’t make it to your happy ending.

       While ENMU is not my ending, but a new beginning, it is my Carnival. I held on for so long. I am pursing something that I wanted since I can remember. Of course, its uncomfortable at times, but the reward will be so worth it. I am picking up where I left off, and just have some life experience with me.

                              

A letter to me, from me.

Self,

Depression is real. It sucks. At times it feel like it's the only thing you will ever know. Suicide. Also real. And you're going to attempt it. Going to think of it often, even. But as time passes and you overcome each life obstacle, you are going to find more reasons to want to be alive. But you have to be living to find those reasons out. 

16. Whoa. 16 is going to be tough for you. High School. Relationships. Death. It's a rough one. But 21 is going to be even harder. At 21, you'll attempt suicide 3 times.You wanted to end your pain. To let depression and anxiety win. Almost became a mortality statistic. 

If I could go back in time, I'd tell you a few things.I'd tell you that its going to be okay. Now many people will tell you this, and you won't believe it. But they are right. I'd tell you that every loss, every heartbreak, every betrayal and every disappointment will mold you into an amazing, unique and worthy individual. I would tell you that one day the fear of the unknown becomes less and what remains turns into excitement. I would tell you to make almost exactly every choice the same again, because one day it will lead you down the path you've been fighting for. I wouldn't tell you what it was, even though its what you desire most. You wouldn't believe me anyhow. At 16,18,21 and even 25, I never imagined my, our, life to be going in this direction. 

The single most important thing I would tell you is to never give up. Never. You are going to make your mark on this world. You will find your purpose which you have searched so long for. You will travel all over, looking to find it. And its in a place you'd never expect it to be. One day, you will want to live. Many days you woke up wanting to die, but I promise, someday, that will be a feeling of the past you. And when you start feeling the will to live, its going to be a big change for you.The feeling will take your body over and release many emotions. You will cry. But these tears will not be like tears of the past. They will be tears of joy. You have this passion burning inside of you at 27. When you think of what the future holds, it is no longer dark and worrisome, it is bright and full of possibilities. Death will never seem satisfying again.  

Ten

10 years is not a long time in the grand scheme of things. But also, 10 years can feel like forever. Many things can happen in that time frame. Many memories can be had. Many joys and sorrows can pass. Many lessons can be learned. It took me 10 years to learn something truly important. 

10 years ago I woke up and headed to school just like any other day. But this day was going to be engraved into my memory forever, every single detail. I had an unfortunate situation arise involving an extracurricular activity, and the advisor, who I still consider a mentor. I was so upset that I was sulking all morning long. 

Lunch time came. I didn’t want to eat. I sat down at the table with my usual group and sat in silence. Everyone else was laughing and joking, as per usual, but I thought self deprecation was fitting. I spent the 20 some odd minutes ignoring the world around me. Pretending nothing mattered except for me and my problems ,was the way I was going to deal with what was happening. 

School got out. I headed home and I wanted to go for a bike ride to release some steam. When I opened the shed, I saw my bike was missing. It then dawned on me that I had taken a bike ride the week before to my Uncles house, and then he gave me a ride home and I left the bike behind. My uncle was only 1 year older than me. We grew up in the same small town, with many of the same friends and teachers in school. I called him to see if he might be able to bring my bike by. He told me he was going dirt biking but would try to bring it by later. 

I decided to just stay home and watch TV. In the early evening my dad ran through the house telling everyone we had to go the hospital. There had been an accident and we needed to leave immediately. The entire car ride I was feeling so sick. I experienced so much loss in my family at such a young age, that I was expecting the worse.

Gathered in the waiting room with family and friends, the doctor came in. He explained internal injuries had been sustained and they were rushing to surgery and we would have an update in about 1-2 hours, or as soon as possible. 

I sat there. Waiting patiently. Worrying. And then, I felt my heart sink. Everything went quiet, despite all the noise actually happening around me. I felt the blood draining from my face. I almost felt like I was floating and not actually in my own body. All of this happened because I saw the Doctor walking back into the room. I knew in that moment, this accident was fatal. Why else would the Doctor be back only 20-25 mins after letting us know he was going into surgery. He came into the room and said “This is the hardest thing I have to do, tell a mother I lost their child.” And it was confirmed. When he spoke those words to my grandmother, I lost a piece of me, that could never be replaced.  

My uncle, who was going dirt biking, like any other day, was killed in a terrible and unfortunate accident. For years I have been so mad and angry at myself. 2 things have haunted me all this time. The first was the thought that if I had insisted on getting my bike back, maybe things would have been different. He wouldn’t have been where that car was, at that exact time, if he had come to my house first. This has made me lose so many hours of sleep and caused me so much pain, until recently. I finally was able to understand that I couldn’t have done anything different. Matthew was a free spirit that did what he wanted to do. And he loved dirt biking more than almost anything. Nothing would have kept him off the road at that very moment. 

Secondly, and this I the thing that I can change. I sat at the lunch table across from Matt for 20+ minutes and didn’t exchange any words because I was acting out. I know people live by a motto of “no regrets”, but it’s not a motto I live by. I definitely have done things I regret, even if I had the right intentions while doing them. I still wish I hadn’t. It was the last time I saw Matt. The last 20 minutes I had with him. And I took them for granted. I have now learned that nothing is promised. Live every moment as if it is your last. Leave no stone unturned. Climb every ladder. Open every door. Look out every window. Welcome opportunities. 

Never put off until tomorrow, what you’re willing to die, having left undone. 

It took me a great part of the last 10 years to let go of many things that were holding me back.

Matt, wherever you are, please know I think of you often. The impact you made in my life is everlasting. The bond we shared is unbreakable, even in death. You were my uncle, my brother, my best friend. I can only aspire to laugh and live life the way you did, and hope to leave my own impact on this world. Until we meet again. 

- Jellyroll