Ten

10 years is not a long time in the grand scheme of things. But also, 10 years can feel like forever. Many things can happen in that time frame. Many memories can be had. Many joys and sorrows can pass. Many lessons can be learned. It took me 10 years to learn something truly important. 

10 years ago I woke up and headed to school just like any other day. But this day was going to be engraved into my memory forever, every single detail. I had an unfortunate situation arise involving an extracurricular activity, and the advisor, who I still consider a mentor. I was so upset that I was sulking all morning long. 

Lunch time came. I didn’t want to eat. I sat down at the table with my usual group and sat in silence. Everyone else was laughing and joking, as per usual, but I thought self deprecation was fitting. I spent the 20 some odd minutes ignoring the world around me. Pretending nothing mattered except for me and my problems ,was the way I was going to deal with what was happening. 

School got out. I headed home and I wanted to go for a bike ride to release some steam. When I opened the shed, I saw my bike was missing. It then dawned on me that I had taken a bike ride the week before to my Uncles house, and then he gave me a ride home and I left the bike behind. My uncle was only 1 year older than me. We grew up in the same small town, with many of the same friends and teachers in school. I called him to see if he might be able to bring my bike by. He told me he was going dirt biking but would try to bring it by later. 

I decided to just stay home and watch TV. In the early evening my dad ran through the house telling everyone we had to go the hospital. There had been an accident and we needed to leave immediately. The entire car ride I was feeling so sick. I experienced so much loss in my family at such a young age, that I was expecting the worse.

Gathered in the waiting room with family and friends, the doctor came in. He explained internal injuries had been sustained and they were rushing to surgery and we would have an update in about 1-2 hours, or as soon as possible. 

I sat there. Waiting patiently. Worrying. And then, I felt my heart sink. Everything went quiet, despite all the noise actually happening around me. I felt the blood draining from my face. I almost felt like I was floating and not actually in my own body. All of this happened because I saw the Doctor walking back into the room. I knew in that moment, this accident was fatal. Why else would the Doctor be back only 20-25 mins after letting us know he was going into surgery. He came into the room and said “This is the hardest thing I have to do, tell a mother I lost their child.” And it was confirmed. When he spoke those words to my grandmother, I lost a piece of me, that could never be replaced.  

My uncle, who was going dirt biking, like any other day, was killed in a terrible and unfortunate accident. For years I have been so mad and angry at myself. 2 things have haunted me all this time. The first was the thought that if I had insisted on getting my bike back, maybe things would have been different. He wouldn’t have been where that car was, at that exact time, if he had come to my house first. This has made me lose so many hours of sleep and caused me so much pain, until recently. I finally was able to understand that I couldn’t have done anything different. Matthew was a free spirit that did what he wanted to do. And he loved dirt biking more than almost anything. Nothing would have kept him off the road at that very moment. 

Secondly, and this I the thing that I can change. I sat at the lunch table across from Matt for 20+ minutes and didn’t exchange any words because I was acting out. I know people live by a motto of “no regrets”, but it’s not a motto I live by. I definitely have done things I regret, even if I had the right intentions while doing them. I still wish I hadn’t. It was the last time I saw Matt. The last 20 minutes I had with him. And I took them for granted. I have now learned that nothing is promised. Live every moment as if it is your last. Leave no stone unturned. Climb every ladder. Open every door. Look out every window. Welcome opportunities. 

Never put off until tomorrow, what you’re willing to die, having left undone. 

It took me a great part of the last 10 years to let go of many things that were holding me back.

Matt, wherever you are, please know I think of you often. The impact you made in my life is everlasting. The bond we shared is unbreakable, even in death. You were my uncle, my brother, my best friend. I can only aspire to laugh and live life the way you did, and hope to leave my own impact on this world. Until we meet again. 

- Jellyroll