“Place your hand over your heart, can you feel it? That is called purpose. You’re alive for a reason so don’t ever give up.

It's been a while since I last blogged. For those of you who actually read this, I'm sorry it's been so long!

I have cleared this field out about 4 times now. I can't decide what I want to say tonight. But since September is suicide prevention month I felt compelled to write this......

 So many times with depression, you feel like you have nothing. When in reality so many things are going for you. Even so, the tears are always fighting to come out. The pain in your eyes never truly fades. Hurt is constant. So how do you win?

FIGHT BACK.  When you want cry, laugh instead. When you want to frown, crack a smile. When you want to stay in bed and hide from the world, surround yourself with family and friends. When you become discouraged, reflect on the positives in life. When you want to fall, stand up tall. When you can't walk, start running. 

Depression is real. It's dark and scary. You feel alone. And like you have no way out. As someone who has been in this place before, I understand suicide. Most people don't get it. They say it's selfish or its a "permanent solution for a temporary problem". People who attempt or commit suicide don't do it with the thought of I don't care about anyone but myself. Often they care about everything except themselves, which is why they don't value life, or the will to live. 

There are no "physical"  symptoms and therefore "outsiders" do not understand the disease. You know how at times in television or movies its been depicted that we have an angel on one shoulder guiding us to be rational and do the right thing, and on the opposite the devilish figure encouraging bad behavior? If you don't have depression think of it has only having that devilish figure in your head. No "light". A constant cloud of darkness. People who harm, or try to harm themselves are not "well".

Mental illness is a serious health issue.  5 years ago suicide was the 10th leading cause of death in the U.S.  There are thousands of people who  truly are suffering so badly from mental illness that they believe they have no other choice. People who are so scared to ask for help, and let sickness overcome them. 

Each and every person has the right to live a happy life. Those suffering depression may never experience it fully. If you have any mental illness concerns reach out to someone, NOW! don't wait. There is someone out there who will help you. If you have a friend who speaks of harming themselves, TELL SOMEONE. You could save their life! 

 http://www.nami.org/    you can use this site and many others to find information about mental illness ranging from support groups or volunteering efforts.

https://www.afsp.org/  also the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention has information that can be helpful.

Mental Illness is real. It exist. Now don't ignore it. We all can fight it.  

A lifetime of sadness...or whatever you decide to make it.

Having depression coupled with anxiety is not the easiest hand to play, but it is my hand. Most people just simply say "think positive" or "everything will be okay". If I had the ability to do that as easy as people make it come across, I wouldn't be in this situation. Often I've wondered if mental illness came with physical symptoms or markers like other diseases, if people would treat it more seriously.

One day you can be feeling the best in the world. Smiling more than you have in months. Feeling great about yourself. And then BAM! The downward spiral begins and it is FAST!

So let's stop for a minute. What was it that made you feel so great? Was it someone else praise? Was it recognition? Or a compliment maybe? Perhaps you did well at work or on an assignment for school? All of those reasons are certainly things to feel good about, however they need limits. You can not place all your happiness in those places because when they fail you, and they will, what do you have left?

Happiness must be found in ourselves before anywhere else. Allowing another person or entity to be in charge of your happiness is not healthy. As I've mentioned many times, it all starts with YOU!

I'll save my soul, save myself

Crossroads.

Which way are we to turn when faced with multiple paths. Left, right, move forward or turn around even? Each decision we make in life holds consequences. So when faced with such choices it is sometimes hard to decide which direction we should follow.

In actuality, it does not matter which path we take as long as we keep moving. If it is 9 miles of bad road, keep trucking through. Some of the greatest successes have been accomplished after many great failures. Each wrong path leads us to a new one.

The worst thing we can do is stand still.  Being nervous and cautious is natural, but fear of making the wrong choice should not discourage us from discovering new worlds.

Make choices. Follow paths. Learn from mistakes. Do not let fear hold you back. Go left. Go right. Whichever way your heart desires. Just don't stand still.

Standing at the point
The road it cross you down
What is at your back
Which way do you turn
Who will come to find you first
Your devils or your gods

All you folks think you run my life
Say I should be willing to compromise
I say all you demons go back to hell
I'll save my soul save myself

Food for Thought

Waves.....

Sometimes feelings just rush in like waves. You might go days without thinking about something and then all of a sudden become flooded with emotion. If you have ever loved someone, then you have likely been hurt by that love too. Breakups are just something we must all go through (if you haven't, wow!). At first they are the only thing you can think about, dream about, talk about etc...  As time passes, as cliche as it is, it does get easier. And just when you think you have processed it, those waves rush in. You hear a song, see a movie or drive by a place that reminds you of the love you once had. It almost feels like it did the day after the breakup.

Take a deep breath.

Keeping breathing.

And now reflect.

There is a reason that person is a part of your past and is not in your life anymore.Remind yourself of why. The only thing we can do is take all the good out of a bad situation and spin it to our benefit. You are who you are today because of what has occurred in your past. You may always love this person, you may always miss them. We just can not let this loss control us. There are stories out there of "high school sweethearts" and " 50th anniversary" kinds of couples. They are blessed. Many of us will have to go through a few people until we find the one that will last.

Just like endless jobs or perhaps unhappy living arrangements, boyfriends/girlfriends are sometimes only a small part of your life. I'm 24 and if I do live a long life then I have only experienced about 1/3 of my time here on Earth. This is my beginning. And even if its your middle or close to your "end", do not let something that was just a small piece of your journey hold you back.

Just hold on. The tide is bound to settle once again.

Missing.

Have you ever felt like something was just missing? You are not quite sure what it is. Maybe it is a person missing from you life? maybe just a purpose? We probably all feel like money is missing from our lives. Maybe it is something that we have never had so we can not name it. I feel like this often. Empty. Incomplete. Impatient. Heck, maybe even ungrateful. But why?

Perhaps this is something I just can't answer. Maybe it just isn't time yet.

Lets figure it out.

•  I have a job, which many do not have that blessed upon them
• I have a car. And its completely together (I've had worse)
• I am 4 classes away from my Associates
• I am a few exams away from having my Florida Sales Associate License (Real Estate)
• I have a roof over my head, and a bed to sleep in

Those are just a few things. This is why I say at times maybe I am ungrateful. I have things that some people do not. I am fortunate so why not be happy?   Because among it all, something is missing..... but what?

And then I saw this......






Could it be?

No Pain, No Gain.

In life we will face many trials and tribulations. Some of these instances will figuratively break us, if not almost literally. People will cross your path in life for many reasons. One of those reasons, unfortunate as it may be, is to hurt you, use you, abuse you and, break you. They often hold a special place to us, and then we become vulnerable to them. And in due time, they will play out their role. We may not always know from the beginning, but sometimes we decide to ignore red flags. These people come in forms of family, friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, husbands/wives, children and so on. No matter how much we protect ourselves, we will likely be hurt by someone. By someone who we previously enjoyed, had fun with and even loved. This makes that pain we feel, even more intense. One of the hardest pains we feel, arguably more than death even, is when someone CHOOSES to leave our lives. The pain of knowing someone is giving you up is a pain that is hard to be dealt with. So what do we do? Do we hurt? Yes. Do we cry? Yes. Do we get angry? Yes. Do we move on? That is the most important question. Yes. Yes, we move on! We cannot hold on to the past. We cannot continue to ask what if we did something differently, how things could be. You have to grieve properly and then move forward with your life. A great woman in my life once said “Not everyone in your life is ordained to be in your life forever, some people are only there for a part of the way.” Once this is realized, and accepted we need to continue moving. Without feeling pain from loss, we would not know the feeling of victory from a gain. It is rather likely, the person who left, is living their life, following their dreams. Has moved on. So don’t let their leaving hold you back. You existed and mattered before them, and continue to do so after them. We all have past, some darker than others. Our pasts do not define us. What we do in the present to ensure a better future does. I know it all seems easier said than done, but it is possible. We are worthy to be loved, to be wanted. If you don’t believe this, then you haven’t told yourself enough. Look in the mirror and say “I matter”, “I am worthy”, and lastly “I love you”. Yes, let yourself know that you love you! It all starts with YOU!